Childrens Parties
Hello All,
Under threat of divorce, I was dragged to a 1st brithday party on the weekend for a friend of my wife's son. Often the only requirements to get an invite is that you also have a small child and you loosely know the parents.
At these parties, as you might expect, all anybody talks about is their children. When they started talking, walking crawling, what the birth was like, how the sleeping patterns were etc.
Now lets sort something out right here.
FACT: Unless someone is related to you, or is a close friend, they don't actually give a shit about your children.
If you don't have children you will know what I am talking about. If you do have children and think I am wrong go and ask some people who don't know that you have children and don;t have children themsleves what they really think about other peoples children. I am sure we all know people who just bang on about their kids all fucking day. Get a fucking life you boring bastards.
Know this: When people ask you about your children, they don't ask because they actually care, they ask because they are being polite! So, if you have children, the next time someone asks how they are, the correct answer is "Good." Anymore and the person is already regretting asking you.
So despite my constant protests and underhanded tactics (I tried to convince one of my friends to have his brithday celebrations at the same time so I could go to that instead. He declined because his birthday was still a month away. Still it was worth a try), I was made to attend this celebration for a child I don't know, thrown by parents I barely know.
When we got there, the house was full of screaming, crying, messy little children. Predictably, the only couple I vaguely knew were the hosts. It was hell. I was very shortly talking to a group of dads who seemed intent on discuss theirs and my child(ren). As previously mentioned, I didn't know them, and therefore, didn't actually give a fuck. But, I thought to myself, might as well make some conversation.
Here is some samples:
Q (to me): So whose dad are you?
A (me): No ones. (pointing to my wife) I am having an affair with that woman over there. Her husband is at the footy. We just made love before coming here whilst her son was sleeping. It was great.
Q: so how do you know the hosts?
A: I met them in their swinging days. Since they've had (insert babies name) though they don't come as often. Its a pity, those 2 are voracious!
Q (from me): So What do you do?
A (to me): I work in IT.
From that point on every time that guy started to lead the conversation back to children, I steered him back towards internet por nography. Oddly, he seemed quite happy with this.
And so it went....
On the way home my wife mentioned that she wouldn't mind if I didn't go with her to any future parties for small childrens birthdays. Before the party, I thought this would have been great to hear. But given I had so much fun discussing the intimate details of some of the swingers parties I had attended with the hosts, much to the shock and amazement of their friends who were unaware of the hosts swinging past (as actually unaware as the hosts themselves of their swinging past), I can't wait for the next one.
Next tme I might try and find out beforehand exactly who is the parent of who and then when asked "whose child I am the father of?", respond by naming their child and then going on to state that I was told that the unsuspecting surrogate dad wouldn't be there so it was a good chance for me to see my child. The possibilities are endless.
Ah such fun.
Regards
Cracker
Under threat of divorce, I was dragged to a 1st brithday party on the weekend for a friend of my wife's son. Often the only requirements to get an invite is that you also have a small child and you loosely know the parents.
At these parties, as you might expect, all anybody talks about is their children. When they started talking, walking crawling, what the birth was like, how the sleeping patterns were etc.
Now lets sort something out right here.
FACT: Unless someone is related to you, or is a close friend, they don't actually give a shit about your children.
If you don't have children you will know what I am talking about. If you do have children and think I am wrong go and ask some people who don't know that you have children and don;t have children themsleves what they really think about other peoples children. I am sure we all know people who just bang on about their kids all fucking day. Get a fucking life you boring bastards.
Know this: When people ask you about your children, they don't ask because they actually care, they ask because they are being polite! So, if you have children, the next time someone asks how they are, the correct answer is "Good." Anymore and the person is already regretting asking you.
So despite my constant protests and underhanded tactics (I tried to convince one of my friends to have his brithday celebrations at the same time so I could go to that instead. He declined because his birthday was still a month away. Still it was worth a try), I was made to attend this celebration for a child I don't know, thrown by parents I barely know.
When we got there, the house was full of screaming, crying, messy little children. Predictably, the only couple I vaguely knew were the hosts. It was hell. I was very shortly talking to a group of dads who seemed intent on discuss theirs and my child(ren). As previously mentioned, I didn't know them, and therefore, didn't actually give a fuck. But, I thought to myself, might as well make some conversation.
Here is some samples:
Q (to me): So whose dad are you?
A (me): No ones. (pointing to my wife) I am having an affair with that woman over there. Her husband is at the footy. We just made love before coming here whilst her son was sleeping. It was great.
Q: so how do you know the hosts?
A: I met them in their swinging days. Since they've had (insert babies name) though they don't come as often. Its a pity, those 2 are voracious!
Q (from me): So What do you do?
A (to me): I work in IT.
From that point on every time that guy started to lead the conversation back to children, I steered him back towards internet por nography. Oddly, he seemed quite happy with this.
And so it went....
On the way home my wife mentioned that she wouldn't mind if I didn't go with her to any future parties for small childrens birthdays. Before the party, I thought this would have been great to hear. But given I had so much fun discussing the intimate details of some of the swingers parties I had attended with the hosts, much to the shock and amazement of their friends who were unaware of the hosts swinging past (as actually unaware as the hosts themselves of their swinging past), I can't wait for the next one.
Next tme I might try and find out beforehand exactly who is the parent of who and then when asked "whose child I am the father of?", respond by naming their child and then going on to state that I was told that the unsuspecting surrogate dad wouldn't be there so it was a good chance for me to see my child. The possibilities are endless.
Ah such fun.
Regards
Cracker
posted by Unknown at 6:54 PM
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