Random Thought

If they removed all restrictions on advertising would sex still sell? I mean if there was no limits and you could quite blatantly advertise, say, a large family car by portraying, gratuitously and explicitly, a small orgy going on in the back, and then a close up of a woman looking up and smiling away as she gets DP'd by a couple of blokes- then saying "I love our New "insert car name and make her", it has so much room where my husband and I can swing to our hearts content in any secluded car park", before she puts her head down and starts eating out....etc.

You get the idea. If every ad went like that, would we become so desensitised by the advertising that sex would no longer sell? Would it get more and more debased to the point where in order for something to be shocking and to stand out from the rest of the advertising, it would have to be something like some people standing around a bbq, fully clothed, saying "I love - insert beer brand here- because, well, it bloody tastes good".

Would we go that full circle? Or would we just get to the really hardcore raunchy stuff and stay there with just loads of ads featuring sex and nudity? And if so, what would that say about us as a society? Obviously I don't think we are quite ready for that just yet (well, actually, I am. And if I concentrate hard enough, most television is already like that for me).

This same argument is occasionally put forward for drugs. If we put them in big barrels on every street corner, free to everyone, would it become so passe that nobody would bother? Or would that just lead us down a slippery slope of wanting some more and more hardcore?

Anyway, I am rambling.

Regards

Cracker

Fat People

There is a television show that is quite popular called the Biggest Loser. Basically they take a group of massive fatties, who then compete to see who can shed the most weight during the course of the show.

What cracks me up about these fatties is how often after they have lost loads of weight, they say how differently people treat them. They are AMAZED at how shallow people were in judging them because they were over weight. No more nasty looks in clothes shops, no more rolled eyes as they sit down on a crowded tram. No more harsh judgements by society at large basically.

NOTE TO ALL FATTIES: Society judges you harshly because the fact that you are a big, fat, disgusting slob says A FUCKING LOT ABOUT YOU!

Put simply, people treat you with no respect because you treat yourself with no respect. Another thing fatties love to tell you is that they might have some sort of medical condition – “oh I have a glandular problem”. No you do don’t Porky, you have a self control problem.

To all you fatties out there - hear this: whilst you continue to be repulsive and disgusting slobs, people will treat you like repulsive and disgusting slobs. Your complete failure to take any responsibility for your fatness is a failure by you. Deal with it. Others have, you can too.

Regards

Cracker

Childrens Parties

Hello All,

Under threat of divorce, I was dragged to a 1st brithday party on the weekend for a friend of my wife's son. Often the only requirements to get an invite is that you also have a small child and you loosely know the parents.

At these parties, as you might expect, all anybody talks about is their children. When they started talking, walking crawling, what the birth was like, how the sleeping patterns were etc.

Now lets sort something out right here.

FACT: Unless someone is related to you, or is a close friend, they don't actually give a shit about your children.

If you don't have children you will know what I am talking about. If you do have children and think I am wrong go and ask some people who don't know that you have children and don;t have children themsleves what they really think about other peoples children. I am sure we all know people who just bang on about their kids all fucking day. Get a fucking life you boring bastards.

Know this: When people ask you about your children, they don't ask because they actually care, they ask because they are being polite! So, if you have children, the next time someone asks how they are, the correct answer is "Good." Anymore and the person is already regretting asking you.

So despite my constant protests and underhanded tactics (I tried to convince one of my friends to have his brithday celebrations at the same time so I could go to that instead. He declined because his birthday was still a month away. Still it was worth a try), I was made to attend this celebration for a child I don't know, thrown by parents I barely know.

When we got there, the house was full of screaming, crying, messy little children. Predictably, the only couple I vaguely knew were the hosts. It was hell. I was very shortly talking to a group of dads who seemed intent on discuss theirs and my child(ren). As previously mentioned, I didn't know them, and therefore, didn't actually give a fuck. But, I thought to myself, might as well make some conversation.

Here is some samples:

Q (to me): So whose dad are you?
A (me): No ones. (pointing to my wife) I am having an affair with that woman over there. Her husband is at the footy. We just made love before coming here whilst her son was sleeping. It was great.

Q: so how do you know the hosts?
A: I met them in their swinging days. Since they've had (insert babies name) though they don't come as often. Its a pity, those 2 are voracious!

Q (from me): So What do you do?
A (to me): I work in IT.

From that point on every time that guy started to lead the conversation back to children, I steered him back towards internet por nography. Oddly, he seemed quite happy with this.

And so it went....

On the way home my wife mentioned that she wouldn't mind if I didn't go with her to any future parties for small childrens birthdays. Before the party, I thought this would have been great to hear. But given I had so much fun discussing the intimate details of some of the swingers parties I had attended with the hosts, much to the shock and amazement of their friends who were unaware of the hosts swinging past (as actually unaware as the hosts themselves of their swinging past), I can't wait for the next one.

Next tme I might try and find out beforehand exactly who is the parent of who and then when asked "whose child I am the father of?", respond by naming their child and then going on to state that I was told that the unsuspecting surrogate dad wouldn't be there so it was a good chance for me to see my child. The possibilities are endless.

Ah such fun.

Regards

Cracker

Driving Lights F-Wits

What the fuck is going on with fucking fuckhead, fuckwit, dickhead, tool head wankers driving around CBD area's on clear nigths with their driving lights on (I am so eloquent).

I live in a city (Melbourne) which has bad enough peak hour traffic without having to endure being blinded by complete knobheads driving home from work with their driving lights on. To clarify, and I looked this up, driving lights are designed to be used for conditions when your regular head lights aren't sufficient. The examples most frequently given in my research were off road driving at night (i.e. where there are no street lamps), or in heavy fog when visibility is low.

Quite frankly, I just can't see driving home on well lit city roads in clear conditions as meeting any of the above criteria. I am almost to the point of carrying around a golf club and waiting for the next 4WD to pull up behind me with their lights blazing, then getting out and fixing the problem. Worse still, these faggots who drive around with their driving lights on, actually have to make a conscientious decision to switch them on. Regular car headlight switches don't turn driving lights on. These people have to make a decision to be a fucking annoying prick, they aren't just pricks by accident.

And don't think I am a 4WD drive hater by the way. I have no issues with 4WD vehicles on the roads. Most modern 4WD drives are really just bigger versions of cars anyway and don't actually go anywhere near off road unless the driver accidently gets lost. Also, it isn't just 4WD drive owners who have adopted the driving light habit, it is regular car owners too. Particularly, and this is just an observation, so don't read too much into it, Subaru Impreza drivers. Do these idiots think they are actually in the World Rally Championship. A quick bout of road rage ought to quickly shatter that illusion.

until next time

Cracker

Shane Warne

I love Shane Warne. He has such great technique. His ability to get the ball to twist in all directions is just amazing. People often don’t give him enough credit for the hard work he puts into perfecting his craft. He just wears the opposition down with his force of will and iron clad concentration. I am of course talking about his chasing of women. The guy is clearly a sex maniac. And quite frankly, that’s what I think Aussie men love about him.

Sure he is the highest test wicket taker in the history of the sport. This is bloody marvellous and all. But if that was just it, we would all be politely clapping and saying “well bowled Shane”, and that’s about it. However, the fact that he has, with virtually no shame about it, used his position as the games best bowler, to get into the pants of as many women as possible is something really that elevates his status in the eyes of his fellow man. Make no mistake ladies, most men, in his position, would do exactly the same thing. If you think otherwise, you are fooling yourselves (think David Beckham, think the ENTIRE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE, think Wayne Carey, think Lance Armstrong - see a pattern here).

In case you missed his latest off field effort here is a link you will enjoy. This pretty much sums up why we love Warnie so much.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/cricket/british-tabloids-catch-warne-in-action/2006/05/08/1146940438785.html


Now Shane, if we could only get you to write your own tour diary. That would be an eye opening read.

regards

Cracker