Joys of Parenting
Well it has been a while since my last post so I thought I better put something down to keep my fans happy (Hi Mum!). Whilst there has been a lot of really dumb stuff happen lately (2 words – Sheik Hilaly. 2 more words. Complete Fuckwit.), I have actually been really busy at work. I am about to take some paternity leave as my wife is due any time now with our second child. Bearing this in mind I thought I would just give some perspective on how having children has changed my life thus far.
Well lets start with the obvious. I have had to significantly curb my life style. In fact, it has been MONTHS since I shot anyone, stole a car, pimped out my Ho’s, engaged in some gratuitous graffiti, or had a high speed car chase with the fuzz. Yep, haven’t played Grand Theft Auto in ages. In fact, my video game time has declined significantly overall. As have the other obvious things guys like doing. Sleeping, watching movies, and having sex.
Basically looking after a child is a full on proposal. God knows how I am supposed to look after two of the tackers. And I say this full well in the acknowledgement of the fact that my wife actually does about 75% of the work. Probably more! There is a reason for this though. I don’t think she trusts me. Read on.
A friend of mine recently described me as morally bankrupt. Admittedly, he was probably being kind. Also, and this gives you the all important context, I had just stopped mid conversation I was having with a girl at a friend’s house warming party about having sex with donkeys, to tell him that of my friends he was the most likely to be a kiddie fiddler. I don’t think he took it well.
Anyway, with the burden of raising children comes the burden of watching Wiggles and reading children’s books. There is quite a big challenge in keeping yourself sane whilst doing this. My preferred method is to just blatantly corrupt my child in the hope that he shocks the shit out of his mother and grand parents when he is with them.
For example, one of his favourite books is called Hairy McLary from Donaldson’s Dairy. It tells the story of Hairy McLary ( a small scruffy dog) from Donaldson’s Dairy and his other dog friends including Hercules Morse, as big as a horse. When I read it to him however, it is no longer Hairy McLary from Donaldson’s Dairy and Hercules Morse, as big as a horse. It is Hairy Vagina from Donaldson’s Diner and Hercules Morse, hung like a horse. My wife actually thought this was funny when he first started saying it to her. Then she cottoned on to the fact it was me who was teaching him. I got a severe reprimand from the darling wife. But it was worth it. Bwah haha (evil laugh).
My next child is a girl. This presents an interesting moral conundrum. Will it be okay for me to mess with her head in the same way I mess with my sons? Or perhaps, I should just be a better parent and not mess with their heads at all? But where is the fun in that?
Finally, an apology to Kyle Sandilands. Having watched some more Aust Idol this season I actually think he is the only one who tells it like it is. Marcia Hines hasn’t seen a crap performance in 4 years. I see several each week. Mark Holden is so creepy it is disturbing. Kyle – whilst still having no credibility, actually gives you a straight answer. And in doing so, is probably the only judge who adds any value. So in a previous blog I requested someone “shoot” him. I would now like that amended to “kick him in the nuts”.
Also, just for the record, my parenting technique isn’t totally about being a dodgy bastard. There is a whole lot of train set and Wiggle time etc that is occasionally mind numbing, frequently entertaining, and for the most part, pleasant, morally acceptable, fun time between a father and son. So no reports to child services necessary!
Cracker
Well lets start with the obvious. I have had to significantly curb my life style. In fact, it has been MONTHS since I shot anyone, stole a car, pimped out my Ho’s, engaged in some gratuitous graffiti, or had a high speed car chase with the fuzz. Yep, haven’t played Grand Theft Auto in ages. In fact, my video game time has declined significantly overall. As have the other obvious things guys like doing. Sleeping, watching movies, and having sex.
Basically looking after a child is a full on proposal. God knows how I am supposed to look after two of the tackers. And I say this full well in the acknowledgement of the fact that my wife actually does about 75% of the work. Probably more! There is a reason for this though. I don’t think she trusts me. Read on.
A friend of mine recently described me as morally bankrupt. Admittedly, he was probably being kind. Also, and this gives you the all important context, I had just stopped mid conversation I was having with a girl at a friend’s house warming party about having sex with donkeys, to tell him that of my friends he was the most likely to be a kiddie fiddler. I don’t think he took it well.
Anyway, with the burden of raising children comes the burden of watching Wiggles and reading children’s books. There is quite a big challenge in keeping yourself sane whilst doing this. My preferred method is to just blatantly corrupt my child in the hope that he shocks the shit out of his mother and grand parents when he is with them.
For example, one of his favourite books is called Hairy McLary from Donaldson’s Dairy. It tells the story of Hairy McLary ( a small scruffy dog) from Donaldson’s Dairy and his other dog friends including Hercules Morse, as big as a horse. When I read it to him however, it is no longer Hairy McLary from Donaldson’s Dairy and Hercules Morse, as big as a horse. It is Hairy Vagina from Donaldson’s Diner and Hercules Morse, hung like a horse. My wife actually thought this was funny when he first started saying it to her. Then she cottoned on to the fact it was me who was teaching him. I got a severe reprimand from the darling wife. But it was worth it. Bwah haha (evil laugh).
My next child is a girl. This presents an interesting moral conundrum. Will it be okay for me to mess with her head in the same way I mess with my sons? Or perhaps, I should just be a better parent and not mess with their heads at all? But where is the fun in that?
Finally, an apology to Kyle Sandilands. Having watched some more Aust Idol this season I actually think he is the only one who tells it like it is. Marcia Hines hasn’t seen a crap performance in 4 years. I see several each week. Mark Holden is so creepy it is disturbing. Kyle – whilst still having no credibility, actually gives you a straight answer. And in doing so, is probably the only judge who adds any value. So in a previous blog I requested someone “shoot” him. I would now like that amended to “kick him in the nuts”.
Also, just for the record, my parenting technique isn’t totally about being a dodgy bastard. There is a whole lot of train set and Wiggle time etc that is occasionally mind numbing, frequently entertaining, and for the most part, pleasant, morally acceptable, fun time between a father and son. So no reports to child services necessary!
Cracker
posted by Unknown at 6:04 PM
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