Lefty Do Gooders Suck balls

I was disgusted to read in the newspaper on the weekend about so called Human Rights lawyers trying to take Madonna to court to have the Malawi boy (David) she adopted returned to his parents on the grounds that the adoption may have been illegal. This is so typical of many of our Lefty "friends". If I recall correctly Davids parents WANTED Madonna to take their son. Why? Because they are not so stupid as to not be able to realize that by Madonna taking their son he would be given opportunities and a life that he otherwise would have no chance of enjoying.

You see David's parents are poverty stricker poor. With no jobs, no money, no nothing they can't be sure that he would have the basics such as a roof over his head or access to food and water (let alone health services, an education etc that Madoona would naturally provide). So now tell me exactly how does taking a child from a life of opportunity and comfort and returning him extreme poverty best serve the human rights of the boy? In short it doesn't. All it does is suit the interests of head up their backside Human Rights lawyers who think they are doing good.

Lets face it, when the F-Wit do-gooders mean they are looking after the boys best interests they really just mean because Madonna is a big celebrity and lefty's get petty and jeolous easily and should be made an example of.

I mean to them, how dare she think she can go to Africa, find a child whose parents can't provide for him, and then undertake a course of action that basically makes everyone happy (parents feel happy because their son will have a chance in life, madonna feels happy because she herself is a bit of a do gooder, boy feels happy because he is poor one minute and FILTHY STINKING RICH the next). This is a win win win situation. But not to Lefty Do Gooders.

This is but one of many examples of people who live in first world comfort who enjoy first world services and opportunities trying their very best to deny third world people those same comforts and opportunities for god knows what reason. I believe it is something to do with a) them being a bit dumber than most people hence the reason they are lefties in the first place, and b) they live under some misgiuded notion that people like living in poverty.

For those interested in seeing a very good example of this in action try and get your hands on a copy of a film called Mine Your Own Business. It is the story about wealthy Lefty Do Gooder Greenpeace activists trying to prevent the construction of a mine in a small town in Eastern Europe.

The film shows the lefty Do Gooders living in beautiful houses, one guy is on camera showing off his new yacht talking, and I am not making this up, about how the people would be much better off being poor! They also talk about the usual Green Left garbage mumbo jumbo on maintaining the purity of the land and the sanctity of the lifestyles the people in the small town lead. In another sickening scene a Lefty Do Gooder woman who drives around in a Mercedes Benz postulates about how lovely it would be to ride a horse every where (the people of the town are so poor very few own a car).

So the fim makers did something radical - they went and asked the people of the town what THEY wanted. Here is the big tip, it wasn't to ride a horse around in freezing winter. No, they wanted jobs, the opportunity to afford heating and food, a car. So back to the lefty Do Gooders they go and when confronted with the video footage of the locals stating outright that they desperately want the mine the LDG's basically state that "they (the locals of the village) don't know what they want". This makes me very angry.

And it should make you angry too. Stupid dimwit lefty greeny do gooders who basically take for granted the comforts they enjoy actively trying to deny these same rights to people in developing nations because they, the retard lefty green dickheads know better is quite frankly outrageous.

I would love to send all the people of this hypocritical persuasion to some remote country where they can live their Utopian existence without annoying the rest of us living in the real world. Here is an idea. Next time Greenpeace or some other brain dead green group (such as our Government which flew 90, yes that is right 90, delegates at a cost of over $500K of your tax payer dollars to Bali to sign Kyoto stating we would be aiming to reduce emissions from er, unecessary flying) come knocking at your door for your money invite them in and make them watch Mine Your Own Business, then feed them hash cookies.

Cracker

Giving back to our troops.

On the front page of todays Herald Sun there is a story with claims that Tania Zaetta was intimate with Australian special forces troops on a visit to Afganistan. I don't like to speculate or slander someones good name but I think she did it the dirty slapper. Look I am familiar with the concept of innocent until proven guilty, I also where there is smoke there is fire, and in my understanding of our armed forces, where there is women, there is shagging. As such I am assuming she is guilty as charged. And what an honor! Our troops are over there doing their best to help rebuild a war torn country, putting their lives at risk every day. Really, it weas the least she could do.

Tania herself has apparently described these claims as hurtful. HURTFUL! How un-Australian. She went over to Afganistan to "entertain" the troops did she not? And looking at her resume I am struggling to work out exactly how she proposed to "entertain" the troops WITHOUT getting intimate with them. I mean she is famous for being the side kick on Who Dares Wins with Mike Whitney, and then going to India and doing Bollywood movies. So unless she planned to regale the troops with tales of how she and Mike used to play practical jokes on each other, or perhaps act out a few scenes from some of her movies, what exactly was she planning to do to "entertain" the boys? Back in the Vietnam War famed comedian Bob Hope went over there and did some stand up comedy for the troops. He is a comedian, he is funny, he entertained. TZ is a good looking woman of no discernable talent except being able to pretend to be Indian. I sincerely hope she did her best to "entertain", and I hope in the future she looks back with much regret at her knee jerk reaction of describing claims of being shagged silly by our hard working troops as hurtful, Maybe one day she will realize that instead her actions were in fact profoundly patriotic.

As a side note apparently some fo the troops have pictures and videos. I wonder if we can get Sophie Monk back over there.

South Australia: The New Tassie

When I started this blog it was basically to just pass commentary on some of the happenings around the world that I found to be highly amusing. And in that regard there is always plenty of material. Just last week I read a headline in the newspaper that said "charges laid in wombat rape case". I was very tempted to blog about this but then, what more could I add? It is already screwed up enough without adding my own screwed up perspective. With that in mind, you might then wonder why I am choosing to end my long blog hiatus with the story about the South Australian man who has had a daughter with his, er daughter.

Yes you read that correctly. A South Australian man fathered a daughter with his daughter. The story was on 60 minutes on Sunday night. Apparently they were estranged for many years, and when they reconcilled they over shot the mark some what and ended up having sex. Now they are in a loving and consentual relationship. Oh, I guess this makes it alright then. NOT!!!!!!!

I may be a little bit extreme in some of my views but I am pretty freaking sure I am well and truly in the main stream when it comes to incest. Hell, I even find it weird changing my childrens nappies (hence I try and let my wife do most of that). I mean, if his daughter (the original one, not the unholy second coming of Satan one) was say Jennifer Hawkins, you might (and that is a big if), have some small level of understanding. But she isn't even remotely good looking. Ultimately there is no conclusion to be drawn other than they are some seriously sick individuals with some serious issues.

Now, this story is pretty sad and disgusting, and in itself, would fit perfectly the kind of crazy event that I like to comment on, but in itself it wasn't enough to compel me to write. No, todays blog was brought about by this story combined with one of lifes funny little coincidences. The coincidences I am referring to are badly timed advertising slogans. When SARS (severe acute respiratory syndrome) first struck Hong Kong they had just unveiled a multi million dollar campaign with the slogan "Hong Kong: It Will Take Your Breath away!". When Electrolux first started selling vacuum cleaners in the US they ran with the slogan "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux". General Motors couldn't work out why their GM Nova wasn't selling very well in Central and South America ("No Va" in spanish means "it doesn't go").

And this brings me to today. Upon reading the article about the freaks having kids with thier kids I thought to myself "What the bloody hell is going on in South Australia?" One way to find out - check the South Australian tourism commissions website. And here is what I found:

SOUTH AUSTRALIA: A UNIQUE BLEND

Yes, people having sex with their children to create new hybrid grand/chldren, that is indeed a unique blend. Now I thought this was hilarious this morning when I discovered it, but man, these guys move fast. This afternoon when I wrote this blog entry they had already changed it to

SOUTH AUSTRALIA: A BRILLAINT BLEND

Unfortunately, this just isn't as funny. So I decided to do some research and discovered that metrosexuals are buying female clothes to give them a more androgynous look. Yep, apparently straight blokes wanting to look like chicks. People shagging wombats, men wanting to look like women, global warming, incest. I am seriously never going to run out of topics.

Take it easy

Cracker

Position Vacant: Fireworks Program Director

Happy New Year all,

Yesterday whilst i was driving home from work I heard on the radio that Sydneys creative director of the New Years Eve fireworks program has resigned and the search is on for a new one. Excuse me for being a bit confused about this, but what sort of qualifications do you need to be a creative director of a firewroks program? I mean I have seen plenty of fireworks shows and quite frankly the only noticeable difference in any of them has been how long they go for.

As an example the closing ceremony of the Commonwealth Games went on for a few quite a while. My local Guy Fawkes show didn't go on for anywhere near as long. Less budget I suspect. So exactly how do you apply for the job? How do you differentiate yourself from the other candidates? Do you go in and explain your creative vision as being "right I am going to have next years fireworks show go for 1 whole hour!". Probably not.

I can imagine some government grant subsidised neo-drain on society dickhead explaining to the selection committee how they are going to really send a message of peace, love and global warming awareness with their fireworks show by launching a green exploding thingy after the red and orange exploding thingy's, perhaps followed by a few of those loud rocket type thingys.

All this will symbolize how bad George Bush is, and how urgently we need to save the environment by drinking rats milk. The committee will probably then scratch its chin and nod in acknowledgement of this profoundly moving fireworks vision. Of course the public will never by any wiser to the theme of the fireworks show because, lets face it, they all look the bloody same.

Creative Director of the Fireworks Program. You couldn't get paid to do that job and keep a straight face.

Cracker

Sophie A -The Fallen Entrepreneur

It has been a while since I posted but yesterday I came across a news story that just fascinated me. The headline read "Sophie Anderton exposed as drug taking prostitute". For those of you who don't know who Sophie Anderton is she is a very high profile model from the UK who aside from her latest saga was also notorious for her cocaine problems whilst dating Australian soccer player Mark Bosnich. Imagine if you will Megan Gale with a coke problem and instead of dating Andy Lee she was dating Ben Cousins and you would have Australia's equivalent.

Anyway, Sophie was busted on camera by a UK newspaper sting operation offering her sexual services for 10,000 GBP for the weekend and doing lines of cocaine as she made this agreement. At first I thought that this was another sad tale of someone with a promising career ruined by drugs. However, I couldn't have been more wrong. it is much much worse. This is the story of someone with a great work ethic and a desire to succeed having her career ruined by moral crusaders.

You see, Sophie wasn't whoring herself about because she needed some cash for a fix like some cheap junkie. No she was whoring herself out because she wanted to pay off her new house a bit quicker. You see apparently she has just bought a new place in swanky Notting Hill and her 100K GBP contract with a fake tan company wasn't covering the payments quick enough.

So what does a girl do? She takes a second job in her free time (weekends). Quite frankly I think she is to be commended. If it wasn't for our preconcieved ideas that prostitution is inherently bad she may have been onto a lucrative new market. Look, I am the first to agree that it is one thing if Sophie was a junkie forced into prostitution out of desperation to get her fix. But it is an entirely different thing if despite already earning over six figures, she decided to take on a bit of weekend whoringto pay off her house a bit quicker. This isn't a sad and sorry story at all. This is a women taking control of her life!

I say to Sophie - you go girl. Be the best drug taking prostitute you can possibly be and pay off that flash new house. Don't let the nay sayers drag you down with their holier than thou attitudes. In this environment of rising interest rates and economic uncertainty I bet it would be great to have the peace of mind of owning the roof over your head. It is disgusting that the moral police have intervened and now notonly is it going to be difficult for Sophie to earn an honest living by putting it out a bit, but has also been sacked from her 100K fake tan contract - neither of which will obviously help much with the loan repayments.

So to Sophia Anderton, my heart goes out to you. You clearly didn't mind doing a bit of whoring on the side, your house could have got paid off quicker, and some lucky rich punter would have got to shag a famous super-model - this my friends isn't a bad thing, this is what should be known as a win win situation. Now due to the intervention of goody goodies Sophie is more thoroughly screwed than she would have been had she gone on the 10K weekend! So very very sad.

It really is high time we moved away from the outdated negative stigma attached to prostitution. After all in many ways lots of people are prostituting themselves out to companies they don't actually care about every day for a lot less than the 10K GBP all expenses paid weekend Sophie was going to get. I know I do. If it wasn't for my wifes bizarre objections that it "would end our marriage" I would happily just work on weekends whoring myself about. What could be better than being your own boss! I could spend a lot more time with the kids during the week too. But no, once again this whole prostitution is bad thing rears its ugly head and I confined to my desk job for a little while longer whilst societies and my wifes moral values catch up to the level of evolution of Sophie's and mine.

Cheers

Cracker

News today: Crazy Lesbians, Primary School Sex Clubs and Britney

Today some not so random samplings from the paper. Firstly there is the case of the lesbian couple who are suing their IVF doctor because they had twins when they only wanted one child. The lesbians have a combined income of 120K per year but are after 400K for loss of happiness, freedom, lovingness in their relationship, and get this, school fees to a private school for their second daughter. Apparently they have suffered significant loss of quality of life because they are now run off their feet having to look after their two children. One of the lesbians said she had lost the power to love. Oh didums. Having two children of my own I can't help but think to myself "suck it up you selfish f#*kwits". Their situation is no different to just about every other parent in the world.

Seriously does it get any more greedy and shallow than this. I hope the judge does the two kids a favor and takes them off these two on the grounds that they are too greedy and ungrateful to deserve them. Then lets see how capable the stupid cows are of love.

In another, far more entertaining and upbeat story,a boy aged 6, has got into a spot of bother for running a sex club at his local PRIMARY school. I appreciate this is probably a very serious issue for those concerned but when I read this I thought it was freaking hilarious. Seriously, the lad shouldn't be given councselling as was the case, he should be given a meeting with Richard Branson. He is clearly an entrepreneur and based on his venture he might have a new concept for Branson's 'Virgin' brand. That said, all good businessmen need to know how to respond to their markets demands and judging by this story, the kid was 10 years ahead of his time.

In another great story out of the UK, a high school teacher told a female student he was having sex with not to scream "Yes, sir!" during their cocaine-fuelled sessions in bed. Andrew Riley, a married father-of-two, gave the A-level student cocaine before they first had sex back in in 2005. Mr Riley apparently told the girl that "sex and coke is mind-blowing" in a chatroom message. He then hilariously added: "You have to promise, in the height of passion you don't scream 'Yes, sir! Yes, sir!' because it will put me right off what I'm doing". I am just trying to imagine that conversation taking place.

And finally the best for last. the funniest story since Paris went to jail. Britney Spears. No actual specifics relating to todays news because Britney Spears's whole life is just one funny story.

Lets recap though. Age 17 sold millions of albums dressed in schoolgirl outfit.
Looked good in red jumpsuit singing "Oops I did it again", inadvertantly providing a lifetime of cheesy headlines for the media everywhere.
In 2001 I prophetically predicted to my wife that Britney would "Pork Up".
In 2002 dumped by Justin Trousersnake.
In 2003 snogged Madonna. For my money - her career highlight.
In 2004 she married some bloke for 55 hours
In 2004 married white trash dancer and worlds worst rapper K-Fed who for many years was seen as the loser of the relationship. In hindsite, it appears she is actually the Toxic one afterall (this despite K-Fed leaving a woman who was 8 months pregnant with is child to get on board with Brtiney. Who would have thought!)
Has baby number one in 2005. Obviously she is no longer that innocent.
Oops does it again, has baby one more time in 2006. (sorry couldn't resist).
2007 Dumps deadweight K-Fed. Or maybe it is the other way around.After having two children, 2007 Attacks media with Umbrella
2007 Shaves head
2007 According to MULTIPLE knickerless paparazzi shots, shaves other bodily parts too!
20007 Launches "career comeback" with awful MTV award appearance where she comes off stage in tears crying "I looked like a big fat pig". Yes folks I called it. Britney porked up!

Another great day to be alive I think.

Until next time - Cracker

So Many Fools, So Much Money To Be Made!

Today there was an article in the Age newspaper that typifies just how amazingly brain dead some people are when it comes to climate change. The article was discussing the search engine Blackle. This is basically a search engine that touts itself as an eco-friendly version of Google. It is apparently eco friendly because its screen is black instead of the Google white. The idea is that this black screen requires less energy than the white screen and therefore is reducing electricity. Unfortunately the energy savings don't add up. However, this hasn't stopped the popularity of this search engine sky-rocketing through the roof since its launch earlier this year.

Also rather conveniently sky-rocketing has been the advertising revenue made by its creators. The headline of the article says it all really "Search Engine Cashes in on Eco-Guilt". It joins the ranks of other Eco-Cash ins such as Al Gore who makes millions from films and books about the need to reduce carbon emissions then flies all around the world spewing forth more carbon emissions to promote them. Then goes home to one of his 3 huge houses happy in the knowledge he has sucked more dollars out of the ever growing numbers of "desperate to do anything eco-idiots".

Eco-idiots are so keen to ease their guilt over their modern lifestyles that they will do any old thing to make themselves feel better. Attend a few free rock concerts. Turn out the lights in a small part of Sydney for 1 single hour on 1 single night. Replace a few light bulbs. I could easily list many more useless symbolic gestures people do to make themselves feel better about the environment. However, ask most people to make an actual meaningful sacrifice (as per my last blog post) and few people would be willing to, or are actually doing anything. I have had countless disucssions with my friends who think Global Warming is a serious threat to mankind, yet most of them actually make less effort to reduce emissions than I do.

Seriously, Green Guilt is the biggest money making scam since god knows what. Like all good business ideas it attacks an insecurity (think beauty products, think fat loss products, oh yeah). My next business venture is going to totally take advantage of the irrational need of Eco-dimwits need to confess via their wallets.

And the first thing I am going to do with my profits is buy a Hummer. And drive it all the time, even when it is not necessary. then I am going to take lots of overseas holidays to places onthe guise of seeing first hand how global warming is effecting things. First stop, Hawaii. I sure hope the weather is warm there when I want to go to the beach and see the rising sea levels.

So if anyone has some good ideas about how to save the environment please let me know. No idea is too usless. The less effort required by people to save their Green souls the better as it will mean people are more likely to do it. Please post all suggestions in the comments section of this blog.

regards

Cracker

Eco-Hypocrites - Are you one?

Live Earth was held this weekend and I nearly was sick from all the hypocrisy. Firstly the idea in the first place was just plain stupid. A series of rock concerts around the world to promote the issue of Climate Change! For fucks sake, how many people aren't already aware of climate change? Not many.

And who is performing in this series of concerts? Rock stars and movie stars (Al Gore was introduced in the New Jersey concert by Leo DiCaprio). You have got to be fucking kidding me. One of the biggest causes of greenhouse gas emissions is aeroplane travel. Rock stars and movie stars would have to be one of the single most jet setting professions known to man.

And these guys don't fly regular airways, it is private jets for them. Very eco-friendly. And then think about the average house of a rock star. I am guessing very few of this lot are doing their bit for the environemnt by living in energy efficient, eco-friendly, minimal size requirement houses. No fucking way. It is huge sprawling mansions all the way. And most often it isn't just one huge sprawling mansion, it is 3 or 4, scattered around the world meaning they have to fly to even see all their houses!

Al Gore is the original and worst offender of this Green Hypocrisy. He owns 3 big mansions, he regularly flies in a private jet (all around the world promoting books and movies that suggest we reduce our, er, aeroplane travel), and was recently quoted as saying he is trying to reduce the amount fo private jet travel. Nice one Al, reduce down that private jet travel, you hero.

Our own Kevin Rudd is another of these Green idiot hypocrites with minimal effort token gestures towards saving the environment. He is basically running for PM of Australia on the platform of the environment. He bangs on all the time about how we must reduce emissions. Blah blah blah. It was only recently, until the media picked him up on his own hypocrisy, that his government car of choice was a gas guzzling FWD.

It gets better for Kevvy. Asked what he was doing to reduce his carbon footprint his response was a very re-assuring - "I am looking to replace the light globes with more energy efficient ones". Well there we go, crisis solved, Krudd is changing the bulbs. Whoopdy do!

Speaking of changing the globes, would someone please turn the lights on in Oprahs head. She recently had her "Green Show". In it she gave all the audience environmentally friendly light globes. Nice one Oprah. Do you think that will offset your carbon footprint of two years ago when you famously gave everyone in the audience a brand new car. And they weren't small bio-fuel cars either. Oprah, you is one dumb mofo, perhaps you need to chill out in the giant pool in one of your giant mansions.

Vanity Fair in its recent Green Issue, alongside all its feel good articles about what we can do to reduce our greenhouse emissions ran ads for luxury cars. The list goes on. And on and on. Today at work I saw a girl wearing a Live Earth T-shirt. I am probably saying too much here but I, and this girl for that matter, both work for one of the BIGGEST jet aeroplane manufacturers in the world. Seriously, it took all my will power not to punch the stupid moron.

Madonna has copped criticism for perfoming in Live Earth for investing in some of the biggest carbon emitting companies going around. Organizers of the Live Earth concerts defended Madonna by saying it is about the future, not the past. Right then, so going forward Madonna will not be touring the world, will be selling all but the smallest of her many houses, and selling her investments in the polluters? Yeah and pigs might fly.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge a rock star, or a movie star, or even Uber-Hypocrite Al Gore his wealth or jet setting lifestyle. More power to these guys. But all I ask is that they pull their heads out of their collective freaking assholes and stop preaching to me to cut my emissions by curbing my lifestyle, when they clearly have no intention of doing the same.

In the end, what has Live Earth achieved exactly? Lets see, it raised no money because it was free (therefore making it as completely useless as the 'Make Poverty History' concerts that also raised zero money. That really helped the starving Africans Bono). It probably had a very small impact into the total level of awareness of the issue. It probably had an even smaller impact on people curbing their life styles. It used a shit load of carbon emitting electricity to produce. And to top it all off China will have built a new coal fired power station by Friday so fuck you Greenies. Nice try, change some more light bulbs you dickheads.

Look, there is one final point I should make. There are actually people out there who are trying to make a difference. These are the joe average people who believe so passionately about climate change that, despite having the means to live otherwise, they choose to not drive a car. They choose to have smaller, environmentally friendly houses. In other words, they actually practice what they preach. These guys I have a lot of respect for. Rock stars, movie stars, and Al Gore don't deserve any respect or credit. They are hypocritical eco-terrorist scum.

If you truly believe we need to reduce our carbon emissions and feel so passionately about saving the planet, don't support their films. Don't buy their albums. Don't read their books. Take a stand. Better still, if you really want to reduce emissions, don't buy anything from China or the US. But wait there is more. Stop driving your cars. Take cold showers (it will also save water). Turn your heaters and Air Con (in summer). Never use a hair dryer or clothes dryer. Turn your fridge off. What? You aren't doing all of that? But I thought you were passionate about saving the planet. Perhaps, when it boils down to it, you don't really give a shit either!

PS - Anyone else think that the chances that anti-drugs campaigners Peter Garrett and Bono weren't actually smoking joints with Daniel Johns is slim to none. Hypocrites!

Cracker